My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife