My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*