My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
seems like a niche market
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.