My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was