@badbanana: 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

@i_eat_fruit: [first date] me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress? date [also a goat]: yes

@comer310: Orange: Knock knock Apple: Who's there? O: Orange A: Orange who? O: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana? A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

@hpb777: 6yo wants to "have a conversation" with the class bully's parents. Either he's mature beyond his years or he's a mobster.

@XOperfectmessXO: I'm like a kid. People like me best when I'm quiet or sleeping.