My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.