My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.