My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”