@DannyZuker: My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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@mewritesgood: I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister
@Vodkantots: My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
@LeBearGirdle: [invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you're gone need this"