@DannyZuker: My son's soccer coach just said, "You can't spell "triumph" without 'try,'" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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@hiitsmolly: "I could probz bench press, like, five of you"-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
@cariastark: Husband enters vasectomy room Nurse: You sure about this? *I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top* N: The dr. will be right in
@Molly_Kats: YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"