My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
this is me
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
*offers Batman cough drops*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m not alone. I have ants.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”