My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Blew out my flip flop…
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…