Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
screw you
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now