I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast