@tweetarded1: My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
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@AlexvanBeek: Unless: -The house is on fire -The cops are about to kick down the door -Or you're ordering food Do NOT talk to me while I'm on the toilet
@TheCiscoKidder: My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
@ArfMeasures: BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs. Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!