@tweetarded1: My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
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@djdarrellripley: My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
@ddsmidt: The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked. She mouthed “thank you.” Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
@stanleybehrman: Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.