You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.