My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
sugar glider wrangler
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way