“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me in tagged photos
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?