*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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all that yoga finally paid off
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
don’t we all
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
#inspiration #foodforthought
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???