My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
You Might Also Like
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me when i see my girls butt
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”