Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Kids: Stay in school.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.