@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream? Me: It's freezing outside. 4: I know. It won’t melt.
@HeyZeus666: With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it's pretty obvious that Americans don't breed well in captivity.