[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books