@EricBedner: My spirit animal is a tapeworm.
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@theshamingofjay: *tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
@kylekinane: Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.