My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
lol
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂