@OctopusCaveman: My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren't meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@rickolantern: They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night In a fight a with a bouncer
@GrantTanaka: son: hey dad me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes son: now don’t get mad me: [dials 1] ok son: do we have a fire extinguisher me: [dials 1]
@Mr_Kapowski: [1st day in Hell] Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE- Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks? Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?! Me: Ya, snacks Satan: Me: Satan: 3 pm
@peachesanscream: The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.