I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me