My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development