My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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#Caturday
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
this is what they would have looked like, though
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*