My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
i hope my email finds you on fire
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies