My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died