@_definitlymaybe: My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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@ProdigyNelson: *girl calls me daddy* *hammer appears in my hand* "oh no" *I start building a deck* "what have you done" *grill turns itself on*
@AnnaKei26: According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.