My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses