@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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@: If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you'll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.
@PimpBillClinton: Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
@ddsmidt: The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce. Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.