@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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@theshamingofjay: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs
@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@brandonIee: I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too.
@Smooheed: Stop screaming! I thought you'd appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower