My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*