@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router.
@LeBearGirdle: Me at 15: I can't wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night :) Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it 'The Berry Delight' and it is bad