My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
not to brag, but mine was free
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway