Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Bread puns are on the rise!
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please