*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet