My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me linking you to my twitter
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest