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@TheIronSherk: My stages of drunk:
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@TheLieLamaa: The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour ...
@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
@PaperWash: Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I've always used Google and I'm super [googles synonym for smart] able.
@Storminika: Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? "who is it?"