“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”