this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.