At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya