@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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@williamwanton: Therapist: Alright, let's start at the beginning Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn't born a centaur
@Sickayduh: Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]
@JasonLastname: They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.