My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.