Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Every BBC series about the universe.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.