@LilyRoseLynn: My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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@JimmySelfDest: Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry
@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
@MaritalFauxPas: If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!
@DillDoes: [Bar] "What'll you have" Scotch "You want it neat" No thanks *bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky* Thanks