@LilyRoseLynn: My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@GarreTheFerret: My bank sends a text with my balance. It's a nice feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
@ConanOBrien: Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
@Pee_And_Giggles: My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don't want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.