@LilyRoseLynn: My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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@House_Feminist: I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
@radtoria: [chicken buying a car] Salesman: Hop on in! You're gonna love these bucket seats. Chicken: OH GOD
@sameblacklist: If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?