My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.