@gavinpivott: My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
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@PS_IRuddYou: This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
@Jake_Vig: ME: I can understand why, it's so silky and luxurious. THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan. ME: Oh. I thought you said "satin."
@julieklausner: If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."
@Tommytoughstuff: "Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero."