@gavinpivott: My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
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@aka_fatman: "What does your mother do for a living?" "She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."
@marinhubka: You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders? Me: For cups. 6: But you can't drink and drive.
@DaddyJew: Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain? Me: why wouldn't there be nachos in my shower drain?