My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake