If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
How to properly lift a body
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?