Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
You Might Also Like
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.