@TheJamieLee: My Starbucks guy just said, "Looks like you had a rough night!" ...I didn't even go out.
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@iAmDelFreaky: If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die. "Sorry sir, we are closed." FIRE! "Good morning." FIRE!
@Fred_Delicious: "so doc... am I dying?" "we're all dying, just at different speeds" "but what about me" "You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"
@sixfootcandy: I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother's bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
@ilikeyouguys: You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check