@TheJamieLee: My Starbucks guy just said, "Looks like you had a rough night!" ...I didn't even go out.
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@ArfMeasures: [After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding] ME: Well that sure impressed them! WIFE [gasping for breath] You're getting heavier
@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.