My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…