“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.