My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Breaking news:
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!