My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
How your email finds me
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.