My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil