If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Not my job 😂
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag