@PurelyYours1: My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I'm just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
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@Dutch_50: Acquaintances: "So what have you been up to?" What I hear: "Please explain yourself, we're trying to figure you out."
@noog: Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
@PaperWash: [1st date] date: ...you said you had abs me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn