My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription