@PhilLaysheO: My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I've ever purchased.
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@bornmiserable: blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
@NickBossRoss: You legally aren't married until someone says, "haha but seriously" in their wedding speech.
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.