@PhilLaysheO: My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I've ever purchased.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he's Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.
@KalvinMacleod: DOG 911: what's the emergency? DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it DOG 911: did u check his hand? DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
@knot_eye: Dear Ad Agencies, Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials. On behalf of dog owners everywhere, Thanks!
@ultimatesteve: *phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""